I went to a new RE last week. I decided not to go back the the RE where I started (and then cancelled) my first IVF. He was five hours away and traveling so far for treatment proved to be too much on top of an already terribly difficult and draining process.

After doing an U/S, the new RE discovered what might be a hydrosalpinx, or fluid in my tube (tubes?). So on top of having stage III-IV endometriosis, which has apparently affected my egg reserve and quality (I’m only 31!) therefore making me a poor responder to stims, I now can’t move right into egg donor IVF. No. I need to have an HSG to determine if there is indeed fluid (probably) and if so, I’ll need another surgery (my third) to either remove or disconnect the tubes. With a hydrosalpinx, chances of pregnancy are decreased by 50%. After surgery, THEN MAYBE, I can try IVF with my own eggs or donor eggs.

Upon hearing this news, my first reaction was NO. HELL NO. I’m not having ANOTHER surgery. I feel like I’m pressing my luck continuing to go under the knife. No, we’ll just look into adoption. But then, BUT THEN. I want to have a baby. ME. While I’m sure adoption is a wonderful thing, it’s no SURE thing and I want be pregnant. I’ve given that a lot of thought. I don’t JUST want a baby. I want to carry and deliver a baby. Apparently, that’s too much to ask.

For now, I think (think being the key word) I’ve decided to go ahead with the HSG. Maybe there will be no problems with my tubes and we can move on. No sense in worrying about things that I’m not sure I have to worry about. Of course, that’s much easier said than done. I am, by nature, a worryer. Plus, this whole infertility thing has been slowly eroding my optimistic side. You know, the one step forward, four hundred steps back dance. Ugh.

So, my question remains. Am I not listening or paying attention? Are all of these roadblocks God’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t try to conceive on my own?

I must be crazy but I’m hopeful again. Maybe this month. Famous last words, huh?

Welcome all visiting from ICLW!

I have only encountered one major set-back. I am/was fortunate that I wasn’t required to go through repeated (or any!) IUI’s before my docs would consider IVF. For almost a year, I’ve been focused on treating the endometriosis and endometriomas. Then, my first IVF cycle started in early June. However, since it was cancelled due to low response, I was, and continue to be, devastated. But, GEEZ, so many of you have had so many more devastations AND YOU KEEP GOING. Will I keep going? I must, I know. I can’t give up.

My questions are: does it EVER get easier? Will I ever get THAT girl back?

By the way, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of the comments and support. It does the soul some good!

My baseline E2 level was “perfect” per my IVF nurse, at 34. Encouraging, right? The doc also mentioned that he would want to see at least 4-5 follicles at my next appointment or we would cancel. That? Not so encouraging. Did he say that because that’s what he always says to IVF patients? Did he say that because he’s not sure I’ll respond to stims? He’s said we’re being aggressive with the stims.

I still have some endometriosis, including the endometriomas on my ovaries. However, they are vastly improved from when I first started to see this RE 8 months ago. My next monitoring appointment is Tuesday, June 16. I am scared to death! People who know I’m doing IVF look at me weird when I haven’t done cartwheels about starting IVF. I don’t think they understand how many milestones one must hit before you even get to retrieval… then transfer. Even if I get to ER and ET, the odds aren’t in my favor.

So, my next milestone is the 2nd monitoring appointment, and greater than 4-5 follicles.

I don’t really notice if I’m having any side effects from the meds. If I’m having hot flashes, it’s hard to tell when it’s 90 degrees outside. I haven’t been any crazier than usual, but again, it’s hard to tell when I’m crazy to begin with.

I’m still trying to keep my thoughts and feelings on the positive side. A bad attitude isn’t going to help anything.

Hope you’re all doing well. Hugs to all!

Anyway, I’m on day 2 of the Lupron injections.  I freaked a bit on Day 1 because the needle didn’t push through as easily as I thought it would.

My baseline US and BW appointment is scheduled for Thursday AM.  By the way, have I mentioned that the RE I’m seeing is five hours away?  With a time change on the plus side?  Think that adds any stress to a situation that can’t seem to be any more stressful?  You’re right.  But I’m starting on the whining and I told myself I wouldn’t.  This is what I have to do to have a child biologically.  It is what it is.  Let’s move on, shall we?   Good.

Hope you’re all doing well this week.

Peace out.

The point is this: my new RE wanted to try this relatively new medicine regimen to shrink the cysts. He thought there was still a greater than 75% change we’d have to do surgery to get rid of them. BUT. The medicine worked y’all! I was on 2.5mg of letrozole and 2.5mg of norethidrone daily for about 6 months. I didn’t have any side effects to note either. However, since I haven’t read of anyone else doing this regimen in all my infertility-bloggy-obsessive reading, I’m scared. I mean, the meds worked to shrink the cysts almost completely, but what if the long-term effects aren’t known? Has anyone else used this regimen or know someone who did? What if I grow a big toe in my ear? Just kidding… well, mostly.

So to update since the my first post:  My IVF cycle starts officially on June 8th.  Forgive me if I’m not doing cartwheels right now.  I. AM. PISSED.  Until this week, the whole IVF thing has been in the distant future.  I’ve been able to keep it out of my every-living-thought.  Well my medicines arrived this week and now it’s all up in my face.  And I’m pissed.  Again.  I’m pissed that I have to do it this way.  I’m pissed that someone at work who just started trying to get pregnant - hell, they weren’t even “trying” yet – just announced she’s pregnant.  No drama, no needles, no nothing.  Just good old fashioned sex.  I’m pissed that I have to hide behind a somewhat fake happy face and say “Congratulations.”  I want to whole-heartedly MEAN it when I say it.  Have I mentioned that I’m pissed?  Yeah, well I am.

Blah, blah, blah.  I hate this whole pity party crap too.  I want the ever-present dark cloud to GO AWAY!

Of course, I’ll be back to my sunny self by tomorrow.  I’ll probably even post the obligatory medicine picture too.  Yeehaw.

J and I met in college and started dating in 1998. We married in April 2003. We did everything we were “supposed” to do before starting a family… finishing college, finishing grad school, starting careers, saving money, moving back home to be close to family, buying a home, blah, blah, blah. I was going to get pregnant when I wanted, not when everyone else thought we should. Ha! What a joke. All that time I thought WE were in control of things. YEAH. RIGHT. God made it very clear to me that it was His plan. I didn’t quite get that at the beginning of the INFERTILITY. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Flashback to the summer of 2006. I’d dropped the Pill several months before to make sure it was out of my system when I finally convinced J it was time to start trying. We decided to start having unprotected, premeditated sex… Whoo hoo! Oh the pregnancy tests I took with such high expectations! Surely this month I was pregnant. No? It’ll happen next month, right?

Since stopping the Pill, my periods were majorly painful but I’d been on birth control for so long, I thought I just didn’t remember how bad they could be. After several months, though, I started to think that that much pain may not be normal. So off to the gyno… there were some suspicious cysts during the ultrasound but we’d have to wait til next month to make sure they weren’t “normal.” They weren’t. So, in January 2007, I had laparoscopic surgery to officially diagnose and remove stage 4 endometriosis.

After two surgeries, two different medicine protocols to treat the endometriosis, and three doctors later, we’ll probably start IVF this summer. I never thought I’d be here…