Since my last post, I decided that I would take a step back and try to listen for God. There must be a reason for this pain and suffering, right? God will guide me in the right direction, right? Maybe He is and I’m not listening or paying attention.
I went to a new RE last week. I decided not to go back the the RE where I started (and then cancelled) my first IVF. He was five hours away and traveling so far for treatment proved to be too much on top of an already terribly difficult and draining process.
After doing an U/S, the new RE discovered what might be a hydrosalpinx, or fluid in my tube (tubes?). So on top of having stage III-IV endometriosis, which has apparently affected my egg reserve and quality (I’m only 31!) therefore making me a poor responder to stims, I now can’t move right into egg donor IVF. No. I need to have an HSG to determine if there is indeed fluid (probably) and if so, I’ll need another surgery (my third) to either remove or disconnect the tubes. With a hydrosalpinx, chances of pregnancy are decreased by 50%. After surgery, THEN MAYBE, I can try IVF with my own eggs or donor eggs.
Upon hearing this news, my first reaction was NO. HELL NO. I’m not having ANOTHER surgery. I feel like I’m pressing my luck continuing to go under the knife. No, we’ll just look into adoption. But then, BUT THEN. I want to have a baby. ME. While I’m sure adoption is a wonderful thing, it’s no SURE thing and I want be pregnant. I’ve given that a lot of thought. I don’t JUST want a baby. I want to carry and deliver a baby. Apparently, that’s too much to ask.
For now, I think (think being the key word) I’ve decided to go ahead with the HSG. Maybe there will be no problems with my tubes and we can move on. No sense in worrying about things that I’m not sure I have to worry about. Of course, that’s much easier said than done. I am, by nature, a worryer. Plus, this whole infertility thing has been slowly eroding my optimistic side. You know, the one step forward, four hundred steps back dance. Ugh.
So, my question remains. Am I not listening or paying attention? Are all of these roadblocks God’s way of telling me that I shouldn’t try to conceive on my own?
