So I’m still waiting for my period so that I can move on already. If moving on is even possible. I’ve realized that this IF journey will never end. There’s no finish line. Even if my dream comes true, IF will always be a part of me. And honestly, right now, it’s hogging some major space in my heart. I used to be such an optimistic person, always looking on the bright side, glass-half-full, never let ‘em see you sweat kinda girl. This infertility CRAP has taken over everything. Is my heart permanently chipped? Will I ever get away from the bitterness that has clenched my heart for so long? Will I EVER get over this? I sure hope so.
I have only encountered one major set-back. I am/was fortunate that I wasn’t required to go through repeated (or any!) IUI’s before my docs would consider IVF. For almost a year, I’ve been focused on treating the endometriosis and endometriomas. Then, my first IVF cycle started in early June. However, since it was cancelled due to low response, I was, and continue to be, devastated. But, GEEZ, so many of you have had so many more devastations AND YOU KEEP GOING. Will I keep going? I must, I know. I can’t give up.
My questions are: does it EVER get easier? Will I ever get THAT girl back?
By the way, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of the comments and support. It does the soul some good!
Sorry about your cancelled cycle! I don’t think it ever gets easier… though you tend to get numb with time. I was devastated with my first BFN with an IUI… and with each consequtive BFNs, I cried and cried, but I was more cautious and numb with my expectations! Good luck with your journey!
I’m in the middle of a poor response cycle now. I’m so sorry your cycle got cancelled. I really hope you get a better response next time.
I am so sorry about your canceled cycle…I can not tell you that your chipped heart will heal, because I’ve not crossed that finish line yet either…BUT I do HOPE for that healing, for all IF merry-go-round riders
I found this today, unsure who the author is, but really felt compelled to share with you–hope it lifts you!
Don’t Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with it’s twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
it seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up,
when he might have captured the victor’s cup.
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worse, that you must not quit.
Hope that even though you haven’t posted an update on getting your period and the current cycle (if you’re cycling this month), I hope that you are keeping going and haven’t given up (yeah, probably easy to say without knowing anything about your history TTC).
ICLW
I haven’t given up per se, but it depends on the day. Since I finally started my period, I’ve felt a little better about things. It is so crazy to be happy about starting my period. I mean, geez. What’s the world coming to? Hope all is well with you!
I’m here from ICLW. I have stage IV endometriosis and struggled with IF for about 2 years before becoming pregnant. I can totally relate to the way you feel right now. Infertility absolutely changes you. I am not the same person I was 3+ years ago, even now that I am pregnant. For me, IF made me much more cautious and guarded. Kind of like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Anyway. I wish you the best, and I hope that your long-awaited, much deserved BFP is on its way.
I ask myself that question all the time, 6 years down the track and we are finally on the way to being parents, I’m not the same person I was when we started this journey and I’m not even the same person I was before the BFP rocked our world. I miss that girl, I miss the optimism but I’m hoping that it will come back. I don’t think the chip will ever fully heal but I do think that in time you can look past it and welcome back the happy-go-lucky times.
I really do wish you all the best for the next few months of relaxing and trying on your own and that you get lucky.
oh dear! I;m so sorry…
time is a healer, but in the eye of the storm is very hard to see past our current situation.
Breaks are good ways to reclaim our souls. I actually now decided they are fundamental to get pieces of myself back, to replenish my emotional and energy reserves to face the IF dementor again. May you find your light even in the midst of this.